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By Ron Kaufman

"They want me on all the television shows now because I did so well on "Celebrity Assholes."
-- Steve Martin

Hi. My name is Cuba Gooding, Jr. I'm a famous actor and celebrity. I want to start off this all-star panel by officially thanking you for watching television. Television watching is one of the most important activities an American . . . jeez, what am I saying . . . a WORLD citizen can do. I mean, television is what keeps it all going, it keeps everyone informed, and it keeps me famous. You see, without television, the world just would not be complete. You wouldn't know about the atrocities in Bosnia . . . or the problems in the Middle East . . . or . . . or what's happening in Russia or South America and other places like that . . . and you wouldn't know about how people live all over the world . . . and you wouldn't know when my next movie is coming out. And make sure you see the one with me and Robert DeNiro about two Navy divers who . . . whatever . . . it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you keep watching TV. Remember when I won the Oscar Award? Remember how great that was? Well, you never would have seen it without television. You can trust me. I'm a really nice guy. And I'm famous. So remember: Cuba says, "Keep watching.!"

Hi. This is Regis Philbin. I'm really honored to be here and I also want to thank you for watching television. Now I've been on TV for 25 years and I've loved every minute of it. TV is the center of so many people's lives and tell me, do you think all those people are wrong? They love TV and they love me and to tell you the truth, I love them back. Because television is the greatest invention ever. I mean it. And Regis wouldn't lie to you. I'm the star of "Live With Regis" and the worldwide smash hit "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" I just love giving away money . . . not my money of course . . . the network's money. I'm not ashamed to say it: "I love giving away the network's money." And I love taking the network's money. The reason I'm famous is because of television. I'm directly contributing to the daily happiness of so many people it just fills my heart with joy. So take it from your pal Regis. Keep watching TV. And keep watching me.

Hi. My name is Jennifer Love Hewitt. When men see me, they want to have sex with me. They all do. I've got a really small waist and big boobs and a thin face with a little button nose and great skin and long straight hair. I AM the total package. And I know it. My whole career is based on the fact that men want to have sex with me as soon as they see me. I mean, instantly. They see me . . . then men want to have sex with me. I like, know all these really caddy girls who, like, always tease me that I'm untalented. But does it really matter? I mean, I'm famous and I'm on TV and in movies. Women shouldn't hate me because I'm beautiful. They should just acknowledge the fact that all men love me. That's why my middle name is Love. So thanks for watching television. I'm on TV a lot and I'm glad I am. It gives me the exposure I desperately need. So keep watching guys.

This is so great. I am so honored to be here with all these wonderful people. Hi. My name is Oprah Winfrey and . . . did I really need to say that? You know who I am. I am a super famous celebrity. And I am super rich and everyone thinks I am a wonderful person. And I am. I know Steven Speilberg. So many women connect with me every day when I chat with them on television on my afternoon talk show. And people literally throw money at me. And it's important that they do because celebrities actually live pretty lonely lives and it takes a lot to get up on that stage every day and make people happy. That's really what I do, is make people happy. And none of this would have been possible without television. I also know Denzel Washington. So please everyone, keep watching television. It's just so wonderful that television can take someone like me and make them rich and powerful and famous. So please keep watching.

Hi. My name is Tom Brokaw. I just want to say how great it is that these celebrities are getting together to talk about television and the difference it has made in their lives. And the lives of so many people around the world. I see it every day in my evening news program: "The Evening News with Tom Brokaw." It's on a MAJOR network so I know millions of people around the world see what you see every evening. And that's important in today's world. My program makes sure you stay well informed. By watching my nightly news program, you will know everything that you need to know. I'm very sincere. I really mean it. You ONLY need to watch MY news program. You don't need to watch anything else. I mean, you can if you want. But MY program is the best. You know you can trust me. I always tell the truth and rarely make mistakes. That what news is all about. So I thank you, thank you, thank you. And keep watching.

Hi. My name is Aaron Spelling. I'm a famous Hollywood TV producer. I've created such wonderful programs as "The Love Boat," "Charlie's Angles," "Melrose Place," and "Beverly Hills 90210" and I make sure you are getting the best programs money can buy. And I've got a lot of money to buy them . . ha ha ha ha . No no. Seriously, I make it my mission to bring the absolute best in television programming. And I work so hard and think it's important that you religiously watch everything I do. No really. You've GOT to watch my programs. They all have wonderful actors who look great and we give them really insightful things to say. I even had a gay character on one of my shows, although we had the drop the story line in the second season. But that's not the point. The point is that television is one of the most incredible inventions in modern life and your missing out on everything if you don't watch it. So thank you for watching television. And I want to thank the Academy . . . . oh jeez. Maybe someday.

Hi. My name is Brad Pitt. I don't really appear on network TV too often, but lord I'm on cable all the fucking time. And I'm married to Jennifer Aniston, one the babes on the TV show "Friends," she's been in a few movies too. But it's really important to me, and Jennifer, that you keep watching television. TV is so great. I don't know how many times I've been on the road and sat down to watch one of my movies in a hotel room or somewhere and, can you fucking believe it, there I am in TV! Damn. It's just so great. I know I'm famous and all, but I just love seeing me or Jennifer on TV. It really helps us connect with people and bring them into our lives. And that's important. Because, shit, we're not just some Hollywood-aloof-actor types. We're really just ordinary people. And we love connecting to the common-folk of the country. And the world. Christ, I remember the time I was shooting this film in Mexico City and there, on the TV was me in one of my movies. And I was speaking Spanish. It was one of the craziest fucking things. Anyway. Just keep watching. And . . . see ya soon.

Hi. My name is Julia Roberts. I also want to thank you all for watching television. Television is more than just, uh, wires and a box. It's really, a way of communication. It's a way of, uh, bringing everything together. We, uh, are all one world because of television. That's why so many people watch it. I'm really famous and rich, so I know these things. I mean, these Hollywood studio people pay me millions and millions of dollars to act. It's really not such hard work, and just between you and me, I think I'm OK. Am I worth millions and millions? I guess. I smile really pretty and I've got great teeth. That's the key y'know, to good acting, you gotta have nice teeth. Anyway, I'm off the subject. The reason we are all here is to promote television watching. And gosh darn it, if that's not a good cause, then I don't know what is. So keep watching television, everybody.

Hi. My name is Ron Kaufman. I just wrote this article and I also created the website in which it resides. I also want to thank you for watching television. If everyone stopped watching, then there really would be no reason for my website. Who would need a Kill Your Television website if no one watched television? So you have to keep watching, so I can keep not watching. The celebrities here with me today definitely have more fame and certainly have more money. And they want you to watch TV. So who am I to say you shouldn't? So you might as well keep watching to the stupid thing . . . that is . . . unless you have something else to do. I know I do.